Tag: dark humor

Disclaimer. If religious humor offends you, stop reading.

If it doesn’t, here is a world premiere first draft snippet from LUCIFER JUST WANTED TO PET KITTENS, the sequel to God Just Wanted To Play Golf. It’s raw and a work in progress and needs major editing, but I wanted to share something with everyone and maybe bring a smile to your face.

A minivan skidded to a halt next to Lucifer. The side door slid open and Warren appeared sitting in the back. “Get in,” he yelled.
Death ran towards the vehicle as Lucifer grabbed Spencer by the shoulder. He dragged the hysterical man over to the van. The trio jumped inside as Warren pulled the door closed behind them.
“Shotgun,” yelled Spencer as he climbed into the front seat next to God. Lucifer and Death squeezed in between Ashley and Amber and
“What the heck was that?’ asked Spencer.
“It was Pestilence,” said God as the van pulled away.
“You picked a minivan?” asked Lucifer.
God looked up into the mirror. “It’s comfortable. Wait, where’s Raph?”
Lucifer shook his head. “He didn’t make it.”
“What?”
“We’re all mortal down here, Gary.”
“Except me,” Death chimed in.
“Shut up, Steve,” said Lucifer. “We’re not strong enough to fight this thing down here. We need to get back to the funnel.”
A deafening crash echoed as a pickup truck landed on its roof next to the van.
“The fuck?” yelled Warren. He looked in the side mirror. Pestilence was charging up the freeway behind them. The shrouded rider waved his hand and the car next to him launched into the air and flipped end over end to land next to the van.
God swerved hard as a third car landed on the road in front of him.
“Drive faster,” yelled Ashley.
“I have my foot to the floor,” said God as he looked in the side mirror.
“He’s getting closer,” echoed Warren.
“We’re not going to be able to outrun him,” said Lucifer. “Not in a fucking minivan.”
“What do we do?” asked God.
Lucifer looked over to Spencer. “Do you still have water in your backpack?”|
Spencer nodded and pulled the bag from his shoulders. “I think so, yes.” He dug through the bag and pulled out an empty bottle. He tossed it on the rear floor as he pulled out two more bottles of water of varying contents. “Which one?”
“I’ll take the half-empty one.” Lucifer reached out for the bottle.
Spencer pulled it away from him. “Do you have to be such a negative Nancy?”
“Excuse me?”
“Why does it have to be half empty? Why can’t it be half f—”
Lucifer snatched the bottle from Spencer’s hand. “Give me the fucking bottle.”
“Rude,” protested Spencer. “Just because you’re thirsty, it’s not an excuse to be impolite.”
“I’m not thirsty, you half-wit. I want to make holy water.”
“I don’t have any salt left,” said Spencer.
“Why do you have holy water?” asked God.
“This idiot tried to exorcise me on the way down,’ said Lucifer.
“How can we do the benediction of the salt without salt?” asked Spencer, the panic rising in his tone.
Lucifer pointed at God. “Who’s driving the damn van, Spencer? I’m pretty sure Gary can bless this.” Lucifer held up the bottle of water. “What you do say, Gary?”
“Is it name brand or generic?” asked God as he focused on the road.
“Smart Water?” said Spencer as he displayed the label.
“That’ll work.” Gary reached over and held his hand over the water. “Oh, frail synthetic vial of overpriced mineral extracted fluid, plucked from the bountiful teat of this earth, consider thine blessed and holy.”
“Really?’ said Warren as he rolled his eyes. “If you’re not going to take this seriously.”
“Is it blessed?” asked Spencer., ignoring Warren’s scepticism. “Did it work?”
“Of course it didn’t, that’s not how it works.,” said Warren as he looked over at God. “Can you get us holy water or not?”
“The short answer is yes, I can make holy water. But it’s not as simple as blessing it. I need to process it.”
“I don’t understand,” said Spencer. “What do you mean by process?”
Death shrugged. “Don’t look at me. This ain’t my area.”
Ashley shrugged in equal confusion.
God looked up at the rearview mirror again and winked at Lucifer. Lucifer smiled to himself.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, dude. He means he needs to take a piss,” said Warren cutting to the chase.
“No?’ said Spencer, his face washed with confusion.
“Yep, body of Christ, bladder of God. Or something like that. I don’t make the rules,” said God as he fumbled for his zipper. “Can someone help me? I can’t steer and pee in a bottle at the same time.”
Lucifer shrugged. “I ain’t doing it. I volunteer Spencer as tribute.”
“What?” protested Spencer.
“You called shotgun.”
“I second that,” said Warren.
“Third,” said Ashley.
Lucifer offered Spencer the empty bottle. “You’ll need this.”
Spencer hesitantly took the bottle.
“Better hurry,” said God. I can’t wait forever.”
Spencer carefully reached over and placed the bottle between God’s lap, refusing to make eye contact with his boss’s genitals.
God looked down. “You’re going to need to hold it to put it in the bottle, or I’m going to get it on my pants.”
“Oh my goodness,” whined Spencer as he turned away, desperately trying to avoid eye contact. “This is sacrilegious.” He reached his hand in the general direction of God’s crotch and helped his penis into the bottle.
“Ahhh,” said God as he started to relieve him.
Spencer’s breathing started to get heavier as the bottle slowly filled.
God swerved as another car crashed onto the road beside him. “Hold the bottle still, Spencer.”
“I’m trying,” said Spencer frantically.
The car swerved again and Spencer squealed. “Oh my goodness, it got on my hand.”
Lucifer laughed at Spencer’s misfortune.
“It’s not funny, Mr. ‘I volunteer Spencer as tribute’. God just peed on my hand.”
Swerve.
“OH MY GOODNESS, IT HAPPENED AGAIN!”
Swerve. Splash. Scream.
Spencer furrowed his brow as the vehicle swerved again. “Why did you swerve? There weren’t any cars to avoid.” He turned to face God.
God continued to focus on the road ahead, but he grinned from ear to ear.
“Are you finished?” Spencer asked, clearly frustrated.
“Yes,” said God, stifling a laugh.
Spencer pulled the bottle away and screwed the lid on.
“Can you tuck me back it?” asked God.
“No, I most certainly can not.”
Spencer passed the bottle back to Lucifer. “Your holy pee water.”
Lucifer grabbed the bottle, lowered the window and tossed it outside.
Spencer gasped as he watched the container sail out of the window. “Why did you throw the bottle away?”
“We don’t need it,” said Lucifer.
“That was our holy water. What are we going to do now?”
Lucifer held up the previous bottle God had blessed. “We’re going to use this.”
“I thought it needed to be processed?” said Spencer.
“No, I just needed to pee,” said God.
Lucifer vigorously shook the bottle of water and it started to fizz. “See,” he said with a grin. “Holy water.”
“I hate every single one of you,” said a frowning Spencer.
“If you’re going to use it, hurry up,” yelled Ashley. “We’ve got company.”
Lucifer looked out of the window to see Pestilence riding parallel to the van. “Warren get the door.”